Would He Be Proud?

I’ve been widowed for eleven and a half years now. My life is so very different from what it used to be. When I lost him, everything changed, and I changed too. Sometimes I wonder what my late husband would think about all the choices and decisions I made since that day. Would he be proud? Or would he be disappointed?

Would he approve of my lifestyle and the way I deal with things? The way I handle my finances? Would he agree with how I help raise our grandson? Maybe he’d say I help out too much, or I spoil the kid too much. Would he understand how my priorities have changed and how some things are just no longer important to me? And what would he say about all the stupid things I’ve done and all the mistakes and bad decisions I’ve made since losing him?

Especially in the first few years of widowhood, I often thought about what he would think, say or do if he was still here. I was craving his advice and was so lost without him. And I was, in a way, looking for approval from my dead husband. I wanted to make him proud, wanted to honor him in everything I did.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to honor and make your deceased loved one proud. But at the same time, you have to do what’s right for you. Some of my decisions were definitely not in line with what he would have done, but it’s what I had to do for myself. I think there were many internal struggles over this during my first few years as a widow. I had to make things work for me and my new circumstances, even if that meant a 180 degree departure from the way we used to do things.

Well, I hope he’d be proud of at least some of what I’ve done. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, that’s for sure, but I did the best I could. Adjusting to widowhood and this very different life is so hard. I sometimes have to remind myself that, yes, I want to make him proud, but ultimately, it’s my life and I have to live it my way now. And perhaps living my life the best I can, in my very own way, is the greatest way to honor him.