In a Funk Right Now

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Somehow I seem to be in a funk right now. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past and my late husband.

Maybe it all started when I had to look up something in some old documents the other day. I suppose that might have been the trigger. I went from being fairly content and happy to sad, contemplative and moody. It feels like the joy suddenly got sucked out of my life.

Second-Guessing Everything

Not only that, I’ve also been second-guessing numerous decisions and aspects of my life. Frequent thoughts of “If I had done…it would have been better,” or, “If I hadn’t…I’d be happier now.” And I fantasize about where life would have taken me, had I made different choices.

So Conflicted

I even started questioning my current relationship. Can my boyfriend and I really have a future together or would I be better off without him? The last few days, I’ve caught myself comparing him to my late husband, and that is something I vowed I’d never do! It’s just not right, there should never be any comparison! And yet, I did it. Only briefly, but it’s wrong and unfair nevertheless. Then, mere seconds after considering a breakup, I am again convinced that my boyfriend is wonderful and a keeper for sure.

What’s happening? How can I be so conflicted? How can I suddenly be questioning so many decisions., have regrets one minute only to have them vanish the next? And I miss my husband a lot again—but at the same time, I wouldn’t want my old life back. It’s a weird feeling.

Perhaps widowhood leaves you so scarred and broken that something as minor as looking through old documents can get you derailed big time. I thought I had it all under control. I was wrong. So I guess I’ll be pensive and moody for a while. But this too shall pass.