Things have been so busy and crazy around here lately that I haven’t had much of a chance to just sit down and do nothing for a while. Now that I finally have some time to myself, I almost wish that I was busy from morning until night again. Too much time to think. Loneliness, sadness and frustration is hitting me hard again. Widowhood sucks. Even after eight years.
Recent family events have changed my life drastically and I’m still trying to come to grips with it all. I’m adjusting to a new routine and trying to create order in this currently somewhat chaotic situation at my house. And now there’s also the fear and stress from the Coronavirus pandemic. It’s concerning when stores sell out of milk, eggs, cheese, diapers, wipes, toilet paper and hand sanitizer. There’s so much uncertainty right now and it’s hard to stay calm when you also have a two-year-old in your household who needs milk, diapers, etc. I hope people will stop hoarding soon.
Anyway, today I had all day to myself, which has been pretty rare lately. And although I was glad to have a little break, it also plunged me back into the ugly darkness of widowhood. Thinking about my husband and what life might be like now if he was still here…
I admit it, it’s been a day of self-pity. I have those once in a while, especially when I find myself in a stressful or overwhelming situation or when I have too much time to think. Or, in this case, both. And it also doesn’t help that yet another attempt at dating has once again failed. The thought of being alone without a partner for the rest of my life terrifies me. I’ve experienced yet another disappointment and I’m starting to think that there just isn’t anyone out there for me. I miss being in a relationship. And even though I’m not actually alone that much, I’m awfully lonely.
It’s been a sad day. But tomorrow will be better. I will pick myself up again and I’ll be okay.