My dad passed away a few days ago. I’m still trying to process this, I don’t think the news has completely sunk in yet. He passed away after a long struggle to recover from a stroke. Sadly I won’t be able to attend his funeral because it’s impossible for me to travel to Europe right now. However, I was fortunate enough to be able to fly over to visit him in the hospital after he suffered his stroke in the fall. We talked and sometimes even joked around. His mind was sharp until the very end. I’m so glad and grateful that I had the chance to visit him this one last time. As I begin grieving the loss of my dad, a lot of thoughts and memories have popped into my mind.
A Flawed Relationship
I have to be honest, my relationship with my dad wasn’t good at all for a long time. You could say that we didn’t really have a relationship, didn’t talk, for many years. But things change and people change and it’s been okay the last ten years or so. Now that he’s gone, I can’t help but think about the memories of my childhood and beyond, trying to figure out what went wrong and why things were the way they were. It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, good memories too. But I wish a lot of things had been different.
Acknowledging the Bad
When grieving, we have a tendency to feel guilty when we think or talk about the bad memories, bad experiences or negative feelings in connection with that person. I mean, you shouldn’t talk bad about the dead, should you?
But it’s important to acknowledge that aspect of the relationship too. In order to heal, we need to address our feelings, both positive and negative. Even if the relationship between you and the person you lost was loving and good, there’s probably something that you wish could have been different.
When I lost my husband, I initially didn’t allow those kinds of thoughts and only let positive emotions and memories of him come to the surface. But The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman helped me recognize how important it is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that some things weren’t perfect. And that you have to work through that to be able to heal.
I think as I grieve the loss of my dad, there will be a lot of issues and old wounds that I need to deal with. Right now, I’m just numb and sad. And I wish I could attend my dad’s funeral.