Widowed and Dating: Am I Damaged Goods?

Will the past always haunt me in some way? Will bad memories continue to pop up unexpectedly, ruining my happy moments? Can I ever “fully recover” from those painful events in the past? The memories of his illness, suffering, death, and then the subsequent grief, despair, loneliness… It always seems to be lurking somewhere… And I’m starting to wonder: Am I damaged goods? Am I broken?

What If…

I’m not so much talking about grief triggers here (although maybe in a way these are grief triggers too??) but more about thoughts of “what if…” What if it happens again? I’ve been dating a really good guy for over a year now. Things are going well. I should be happy. I am happy. But horrible scenarios keep popping into my mind at random. What if he were to become ill with some terrible disease? Perhaps cancer like my late husband… What if I couldn’t take care of him? I doubt I could even help him walk if he needed a bit of support. He’s so much taller and heavier than my late husband was. And I wasn’t strong enough to hold my husband up when he started falling, only perhaps slow down his falls… I still feel like a failure because I wasn’t physically strong enough to lift him back up, get him back into the bed or wheelchair or whatever.

Another question that keeps haunting me: Would I even be willing to take care of my boyfriend like I took care of my husband? Become his caregiver? I honestly don’t know. Granted, you can’t really compare a 22-year marriage with a one-year relationship, but I don’t know if I even have it in me to do this ever again.

Maybe I don’t have anything left to give. Sometimes I think that might be the case. What sacrifices would I be willing to make for my boyfriend? I don’t know. I made plenty of sacrifices for my late husband, and did so gladly! (And he did the same for me.) I truly loved him. And then he died.

Failed Relationships and Baggage

A couple of years after his death, I met someone and was in a four-year relationship with this person. Made lots of sacrifices only to find out in the end that he wasn’t going to make any for me, he just took advantage of me. Lesson learned. Have I become bitter? Maybe a bit. Trust issues? Yeah, for sure. But it wasn’t all bad. I was happy for a while. Other failed attempts at relationships followed, and even more baggage along with it.

Terrifying Thoughts

Then I met my current boyfriend. He is so different and such a good person. And yet, sometimes I catch myself thinking, “What if he turns out to be just like my ex-boyfriend?” My baggage and trust issues aren’t fair to him. But here’s what’s really messed up: The other day, when I looked at him, admiring how wonderfully tall and strong he is, I suddenly pictured myself next to him, crying, as he lay deathly ill in a hospital bed…and then his funeral… Yes, my dark thoughts even go this far, and I feel like a terrible person! I hate when images like that pop into my mind without warning. This thought, this fear, of having to go through this all over again, of losing your partner again, is always quietly lurking somewhere. And sometimes it makes its ugly appearance, making it hard to give again, love fully again, and trust that it’s going to be okay.

I think I’m damaged goods, and my boyfriend probably deserves better. But I guess we’re all broken in some ways. No one goes through life without scars…