~~Reflecting on Year One~~
I think most grievers experience some degree of shock, disbelief and numbness right after loss, even when the death was the result of a long-term illness and it was foreseeable. I also think that this initial numbness after losing a loved one is a blessing in disguise.
When my husband passed away from cancer, I was “prepared.” He spent his last few days in a hospice facility and at this point it was a matter of waiting and praying that his suffering would come to an end soon. It was all about keeping him as comfortable as possible while waiting for the inevitable. And when he passed away, there was a sense of relief. But that was quickly followed by shock, disbelief and numbness.
When I say disbelief, I don’t mean that there was any doubt that he had passed away. It was more of a sensation of living in a nightmare—a nightmare you desperately want to wake up from. The sensation of standing at his grave, thinking, “How can this be? How can he be dead? Please, Lord, let me wake up now.”
I don’t think you realize how numb you really are at first. There’s plenty of sadness and pain. But then it gets so much worse once the numbness wears off. For me, it was probably around one to two months after his passing when the grief took over completely and brutally hit me full force. I never knew you could feel such pain. It took it to a whole new level. The pain was so bad, it felt as if my soul was being ripped apart.
Grief is so hard to bear and the initial numbness dulls at least some of the pain. Thinking back, I realize that it was this numbness that allowed me to somehow make it through the funeral and helped me being able to take care of some of those immediate tasks. It wasn’t my own strength. Not at all. It was my body’s response to the grief, shielding me from the worst pain, at least for a little while.