I’m absolutely dreading an upcoming event. It’s going to be very stressful and I already feel so much anxiety. It’s not something I can avoid, though. The next two weeks, with prep and then the event itself, will be difficult, and I’ll be glad when it’s all over.
Terrified and Out of My Comfort Zone
It’s going to involve all the things that are totally out of my comfort zone: Wearing dressy clothes. Being in unfamiliar surroundings. Not knowing what to expect at all. Speaking in front of a bunch of people, most of them complete strangers. Knowing that every single word I say as a witness has to be carefully considered. Having to answer questions, some of which I might not be prepared for, and giving precise responses that leave no doubt as to what exactly transpired. I’m not good at expressing myself, especially when it comes to speaking vs writing. I’m terrified.
Putting It Into Perspective
On the other hand, I tell myself that it can’t possibly be any worse or more difficult than what I went through when I lost my husband. Compared to that, it’s absolutely nothing. Just an annoyance that I have to deal with. And so when I start feeling super anxious about it, I remind myself of that.
Security Blanket
Am I still scared and nervous? Yes, but I’ve put it into perspective, and it’s going to be alright. Maybe I won’t be able to answer some of the questions because it was so long ago that I can’t recall. I’m forgetful. But I’ll do the best I can. I might wear my husband’s wedding ring on a necklace, or the locket with his photo inside, on that day to remind me just how much this pales in comparison to what I’ve been through. Sometimes I still need a memento as a security blanket to summon my courage and strength. It might seem crazy, but it helps.
PS: Two Weeks Later
It’s two weeks later now and the dreaded event is behind me. In fact, it was not that bad because the matter got settled outside of the courtroom at the very last minute. I still had to testify about a few things, but it was a huge relief not to have to be part of a nasty, and possibly lengthy, trial.
I ended up wearing my locket as my little security blanket. It helped keep me calm when I got super anxious. It gave me strength. And it felt like he was with me…