How To Cope With the Holidays When Grieving

The holiday season is upon us again! Thanksgiving is just a few days away and Christmas is right around the corner too. I always dread it. It should be a joyful season, but to me it’s filled with stress, sadness and painful memories of what once was.

My (adult) kids and I do the best we can, but it’s difficult to enjoy the holidays when there’s an empty chair… My husband loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember him being particularly cheerful and happy Christmas 2010—as if he somehow knew it was going to be his last. He passed away December 15, 2011, didn’t make it to Christmas that year.

Tips on Dealing With the Holidays After Loss

Traditions:

After loss, keeping up traditions can become a real burden. If the traditions you shared with your deceased loved one are now too painful or simply don’t bring you joy, don’t do them! Your life is no longer the same and so it’s only logical that traditions and holiday activities will change too. Do what feels right to you. Perhaps think about starting new traditions that are a better fit for you now.

For example, we used to go to the Christmas tree farm each year to get a tree. After Roger passed away, I didn’t want to deal with a big, fresh-cut tree anymore every year. So I bought a small artificial tree in 2012 and have been using it ever since. I really like it and it makes things so much easier.

Another tradition was to bake lots of Christmas cookies. I still make a few every year but only the ones that are my absolute favorites, and only if I feel like it. And I simply supplement them with store-bought ones. I get a few complaints about that, but hey, it is what it is.

Christmas decorations have also been drastically scaled down. I just don’t care for it much anymore.

My husband and I used to write Christmas cards to family and friends every year. I actually never like doing it and it was always stressful to me. After he passed, I slowly stopped sending cards, even if I received them. It was just too much for me to handle in addition to the pain, sadness and stress that seems to return every holiday season, no matter how long it’s been since his passing. And the activity in itself was a huge grief trigger. Of course, I still make some phone calls and text or email a few people each year but that’s all I can (and want to) handle.

Social Obligations:

Do you feel obligated to host dinner or attend Christmas parties or other social functions? Guess what? You’re not obligated! You are bereaved and have the right to choose not to. It’s fine to skip some of those social obligations if you don’t feel up to it. However, please don’t isolate yourself too much either. It’s not good to be alone all the time when grieving.

Perhaps phone calls or shorter, more intimate gatherings might be easier on you at this time than hours of festivities with lots of people. Or you could compromise and reduce your attendance time, maybe leaving right after dinner or perhaps just dropping in for a quick pre-dinner visit to say hi if staying the entire time is too much to handle. Your family and social circle love you and will understand if you explain to them in advance that it’s all you can manage right now.

Christmas Presents:

Having to buy Christmas presents can be a nightmare, especially when grieving. Perhaps gift giving can be scaled down, maybe only give gifts to the children and omit gift giving amongst the adults altogether.

Gift cards for adults (and teens) could also be an easy option. For children’s gifts, enlist the help of the parents or others to buy something within your budget and then reimburse them.

Try to delegate as much as you can. If finances are an issue (and a lot of times they are after a loss), it’s ok to limit gift giving. People will understand. And children can be so happy with the smallest gifts anyway!

Food:

You might not feel like eating turkey on Thanksgiving, or ham or whatever on Christmas anymore. There is no rule that says you have to. Eat whatever you like, even if it’s highly unconventional.

My adult kids and I have changed the traditional menu quite a bit and it differs every year. For example, Thanksgiving two years ago we made rabbit and duck instead of a turkey. It’s basically whatever we feel like making that year. Our lives are no longer the same, so why should the menu stay the same?

If you’re expected to cook for everyone and you don’t feel up to it or simply don’t want to, consider passing on the torch to someone else. If no one is willing, have everyone chip in to buy a prepared dinner.

Do What Suits You and Your New Situation

Loss changes life completely and you shouldn’t feel like you have to keep the holidays the same as before. A lot of things might no longer make sense in this post-loss life. Furthermore, the holiday season tends to set off an avalanche of grief triggers for most grievers. It definitely does for me. Creating new traditions and celebrating differently has helped me cope with the holidays and the associated ingrained image of the “cheerful happy family in a cheerful, perfect world.” Well, my cheerful perfect world (or almost perfect) came crumbling down December 2011 and I can’t help but rebel somewhat against all the beautiful, flawless holiday cheer. It’s always going to be a difficult season for me but making changes and simply saying “no” to certain requests, traditions or obligations has made it more bearable.

So please don’t feel guilty about making changes or saying “no.” On the other hand, if it’s helpful to you to keep your traditions and holiday activities as they were, by all means, do so. Everyone is different and deals with grief differently. It’s your journey. I just want you to feel empowered to do whatever works for you.