“It’s been x number of years. You should be over it!” People who have never experienced intense, life-altering grief, such as the loss of a spouse or partner, just don’t get it. I admit, I really didn’t grasp the magnitude and force of grief either until I lost my husband. And it’s okay, we can’t expect everyone to understand what it’s like. In fact, lucky are those who don’t know what it’s like. However, we can expect the widowed to be treated with compassion. Don’t lecture us on how to grieve, how long to grieve, or how we should be “over it” by now and have our shit together!
This is a bit of a rant about something I saw on social media about a week ago. A lady posted a question and just wanted some advice. I won’t go into details, but she was in a difficult situation and was looking for information and ideas on what to do. In the ensuing back and forth of responses, it became clear that she had been widowed for about two years. This caused financial hardship for her and her family, and she needed a low-cost solution to her problem. Most of the commenters were very kind and helpful; however, there was one person who completely lacked compassion.
I was shocked and taken aback by the cruel and heartless remarks by that one person who thought that the widow’s loss of her husband two years ago couldn’t possibly still affect her situation today. It was upsetting and hurtful, and it felt like an attack on all widowed people. I felt so bad for the lady who had reached out for help and then got criticized and lectured by this nasty individual.
Death Is More Than the Loss of That Person
Of course loss can affect you many years, even decades, later. Emotionally, physically, financially…in all aspects of your life. Death is more than the loss of that person, it’s also the loss of hopes, dreams, a future together, growing old together, the loss of your daily routine, companionship, friendship and maybe even purpose in life. It catapults you into a completely different world and changes everything, including you. And oftentimes it also results in financial hardship.
I wish some people were more compassionate, or at least not say anything if they don’t have anything nice to say. Being widowed is hard enough. We don’t need to be criticized.
The notion that there’s a certain timeframe in which you’re expected to have your life back together after loss is ridiculous. First of all, every griever and every situation is different. Also, grief and loss are incredibly multifaceted, with so many ramifications. We, the grievers, widows, widowers, survivors, might seem on the outside like we’re totally okay and doing well, but we might be struggling in all kinds of ways. Just because someone is two years out, five years out or even ten years out, doesn’t mean all is peachy.
Our loss and the effects of it on our lives cannot be magically erased by some timeline. On the other hand, of course, there can still be happiness and a fulfilling life. But it will be different. Loss changes everything. Pre-loss life and post-loss life are poles apart.
I’ve said this frequently. Closure is denial said pretty. It’s indifference. I will not do that to Donna’s memory. If I had achieved closure I would not have become more of who Donna loved into being.
There is no real closure, ever. There’s learning to live with your loss, but the love and memories will always be there. I kinda hate the word closure in connection with loss. You’re so right, true closure would be indifference, and that’s never going to happen.