Sometimes I just want to scream, “Why did you abandon me?” Yes, I’m angry.
This used to happen a lot in the first couple of years after my husband passed away. I would get so frustrated and angry when I had a hard time with something and couldn’t handle things. In my mind, I would yell at him, “How could you leave me?” or “How could you abandon me like this? What am I supposed to do now?”
I realize this makes me sound like a really terrible person. It’s not like he wanted to die and leave me. He fought his cancer with all he had. And yet, I keep having to wonder: What if he actually had quit smoking after his doctor warned him not to smoke anymore? (He had just had part of his lung removed because of lung cancer!) What if he had listened? I know it’s incredibly hard to quit, I used to smoke myself when I was younger. But shouldn’t his wife and kids have been more important than cigarettes and the nicotine addiction? I had done all I could to help him stay away from cigarettes after his surgery. But when he went back to work, I could no longer control what he was doing. It was out of my hands. He had secretly started smoking again.
I will never completely understand why he started smoking again after having been off cigarettes for a few weeks already following his surgery. And I still have a lot of rage about that. He could still be here. His kids could still have their dad. (They’re both adults but even grown kids need a father sometimes.) I could still have my husband.
Lately this feeling of abandonment has once again been popping up. The kids and I have had to deal with so many problems during the past year. Problems that would have never occurred if he was still around. Life would have turned out so differently. And I keep thinking, “If you were still here, you would have never let this happen and we wouldn’t have to go through all of this crap!”
I guess sometimes I just have to have a little pity party for myself. I know I shouldn’t complain. Things could be a lot worse. Maybe what bothers me the most is that my kids are suffering because he isn’t here. Especially my daughter, who was still a teenager when he passed away, would have really benefited from his support, advice and guidance. And it hurts to see her hurting.
So yeah, sometimes I’m still mad. Sometimes I still feel horribly abandoned. And sometimes I still ask, “WHY?”
None of the complaining and self-pity helps, of course. And honestly, who really knows what direction life would have taken if he hadn’t died. Perhaps there would have been other big problems and heartaches. I guess we just have to deal with whatever life throws at us the best we can. It’s difficult but we’ll get through it, after all, we really don’t have a choice. And it’s going to be alright, one way or another.
It’s funny how I came upon your story. I was feeling that same way…Abandoned!
My husband was a Firefighter. He was in such a great shape. Running, playing basketball and softball. But, when he became a diabetic everything stopped. He kept eating junk and not exercising. He went from pills to insulin. Then he had a heart attack and strokes. During all of this he was always helping out his brother and sisters through their troubles. Of course this lead to more stress. He passed away 2 years ago. I get angry too. I would keep say if only He, if Only He would have taken better care of himself he would be here for me. What about Me? Pity Party? Yes. Angry? Not as much now. But, I just wish he was here.
Ronda, thank you for sharing. Our grief stories have a lot in common. It’s so very sad to think that our husbands could still be alive if they had taken better care of themselves. I beat myself up for a long time, thinking that I could have done more to stop him from smoking. But some things are just beyond our control.
Hugs,
Daisy