What if you don’t feel sad after losing someone close to you? Shouldn’t you be heartbroken, devastated and crying? Grief is complex and complicated. And sometimes loss brings relief, not sadness.
I’ve been thinking about my grandmother today. Not sure what brought that on, but I went down memory lane for a while, reminiscing about her and my childhood. She was a big part of my life and the most kind and loving person I’ve ever known. I thought about the time when her husband, my grandfather, died.
My Grandfather’s Death
My grandfather had been sick with severe asthma for a long time before he passed. I remember the constant coughing and struggle to breathe. It was awful. He may have had other health issues too that I may not have been aware of. I was only about ten years old when he passed away.
What I remember most about the time after his death was the relief that my grandmother (as well as my mother who had also helped care for him) felt and verbalized. It was as if a great weight had been lifted off my grandmother, as if shackles and yoke had been taken off. The relief was palpable.
They also talked about his ill temper and meanness. Though I had never realized it before, his treatment of my grandmother, his own children and other people, had been horrible. The meanness had been in his nature, it wasn’t just caused by his declining health.
I’m sure that my grandmother was also sad about his death, but I think she felt mostly relieved after the many years of dealing with his bad moods, temper, and meanness, and all the caregiving when he got sick.
I Felt Some Relief After My Husband Died
When my husband died after a long, hard battle with lung cancer, I also felt some relief. But it was more of a fleeting feeling that was soon replaced or accompanied by deep sadness and pain. Grief is a muddled mess of feelings.
Grief Is Complicated
Feeling relief instead of sadness after loss doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that there is something wrong with you. Perhaps your relationship with that person wasn’t that good, or maybe they didn’t treat you well or even abuse you, or maybe you’re exhausted and worn out from years of caregiving. Or maybe you’re relieved that the suffering is finally over after a long illness. In fact, in the case of a terminal illness, for example, you might have been grieving for quite some time BEFORE the loss, knowing that the end is inevitable. Whatever the reason, relief is a normal feeling after loss, just like other emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, resentment, regret, hurt, guilt, loneliness, fear, or even happiness.
There’s No Wrong or Right Way to Grieve
Most grievers experience lots of different emotions, often at the same time, and often all jumbled up. Whatever it is you’re feeling, lean into it and explore it. Consider keeping a diary, or grief journal, to help you process your thoughts and feelings. And remember, there is no wrong or right way to grieve.