Sometimes I forget how much my adult kids have been impacted by the loss of their dad. I have to admit, I tend to think about the loss mostly as it relates to me and how it has affected me over the years. I don’t always realize and recognize the many situations in which they surely miss their dad, his wisdom and his guidance.
Of course, I remember how hard it was for my kids when he passed away. They were young adults, 19 and 22, just starting to find their own paths. My daughter was still in college, and my son had just started his first job. They grieved and suffered but acted strong to help and support me. I don’t know how I could have made it through my worst grief without them. They were my rock.
Once in a while something happens that makes me think they could really use their dad right now. And then I’m reminded how much their lives have also been impacted by the loss. It changed everything for them too. I wonder how many times they missed his advice, his knowledge, his guidance. He knew so much and was so incredibly smart. My husband and I were pretty much the opposite in terms of personality and skills. I suppose that’s why we complemented each other and made a great team. He was the analytical and planning type, strong and determined. I, on the other hand, have always been a creative, easy-going and conflict-avoidant type. For example, where I would provide a delicious dinner and a welcoming atmosphere for our son or daughter’s new girlfriend or boyfriend, my husband would pretty much interrogate them. It was pretty intense, the only thing missing was the bright interrogation lamp, haha. It always makes me smile when I think back about that.
I feel like I failed my kids (well, at least one of them) by not being able to give the same kind of guidance that he would have given. He would have seen what I didn’t see. He would have prevented a big mistake my daughter made years ago. I’ll always feel guilty for letting her marry her ex-husband, even encouraging it. I should have seen that he was no good, but I guess he had us all fooled.
As life is now bringing happy occasions to both of my children, I wish their dad could be here and celebrate with us. He would be so proud. I know it’s especially hard for my daughter to not have her daddy here, they were particularly close. And while I’m happy that things are going really well for both of them right now, at the same time I’m terrified of making more mistakes and letting them make the wrong decisions. But then again, they’re both adults (and probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway), they’re smart, and all I can do is hope that everything will be okay.