People Tend to Avoid Grievers

When I was newly widowed, it seemed like many people were trying to avoid me. It felt as if I had some sort of contagious disease that no one wanted to catch. Sometimes I could see the fear in their eyes. They’d look at me, then quickly look away, thinking I didn’t notice them. Then they’d rush off in a different direction. Acquaintances, relatives, friends, neighbors… Most of them kept quiet and stayed away. When someone actually did come talk to me, whether in person or on the phone, it was often quite awkward. Some tried to say comforting things (which weren’t always comforting at all). Others avoided the subject of my husband’s death altogether, as if nothing had ever happened. To be honest, depending on the situation, this was actually helpful to me, to be treated like any other person. I think the key here was that they were open to listening to me when I needed to talk about my loss and issues and initiated that subject. These particular friends spent time with me and made me feel “normal” instead of someone to be avoided.

But most just couldn’t handle my grief and stayed away or were uncomfortable talking to me. I can’t say I blame them. I understand. In fact, I often don’t know what to say or do either when confronted with someone else’s grief. It’s hard, I get it. I’ve probably said stupid stuff to a griever before too, just because I couldn’t find the right words. Sometimes you just don’t know what to say. It’s ok. Say nothing. Or say that you don’t know what to say. It’s better than avoiding us completely. A silent hug may be what’s needed most.

Our society doesn’t deal well with grief. Nobody seems to ever talk about it. No one seems to know how to handle it. It’s almost like a forbidden subject. Death, grief, widowhood… It’s just too sad and depressing.

And yet, we need people to talk about it, and to talk to us grievers. Ask us how we’re doing, ask us about our lost loved one, how we met, what kind of person they were etc. Ask if we want to talk about it. Most likely, we do, and our eyes will light up at the memories. And if you have a story about our loved one, please share it. I always appreciated when someone told me something about my late husband, even if it was just about how they worked on a project together or perhaps how they liked his sense of humor. I treasured every little bit people shared about him.

I’ll always be grateful for the few friends and relatives that stood by me during my most painful days of grief. Those who treated me like a normal human being and who didn’t shun me like a leper.

I’m not mad at anyone who didn’t come talk to me when I was in my worst grief. And I’m not holding a grudge against those who said something stupid and hurtful to me back then. Grief is ugly and scary. People just don’t know what to say and how to deal with it. I suppose they did the best they could and didn’t intend to hurt me (except for one perhaps, but I won’t get into that).

How are people reacting to you as a grieving person? Are they trying to avoid you as if grief was somehow contagious? What are some of the worst, most hurtful things they said to you? What are some of the most helpful things someone said to you?

A silent hug means a thousand words to the unhappy heart.

Kemmy Nola