Being a widow sucks in all kinds of ways. There’s dealing with constant tears, sadness, depression, new financial realities, loneliness, and the list goes on and on. I soon found out that losing my husband also meant losing a major part of my identity. Who was I now in this new and very different life?
I was so lost, thrown into a deep black hole of nothingness and sadness. Before this nightmare, I had been a wife of 22 years. A half of a unit—a unit that should have stayed just that, and not be ripped apart. How do you go from being so intertwined with someone, someone who was always there for you, and you for him—from being a couple all these years—to suddenly being alone?
I found myself in an identity crisis. I wasn’t a wife anymore, I wasn’t a Mrs., wasn’t part of a great team of two anymore. No one to cook dinner for, no one to talk with in the evening, no one to wake up to in the morning. Just alone in a suddenly very big, empty house. What exactly was my purpose now? Sure, I was still a mother but my kids were grown; one moved out now and working, the other in college. I felt useless. Felt like I had no purpose. I didn’t know how to be single and alone anymore. Didn’t know what I should like, what I should have an interest in, how I should act. I didn’t know how to be just me. Me alone, without a husband as part of my life and my being.
I credit my sister with pointing me in the right direction to slowly discover this “new identity” and with getting me out of some major widow funk. It was like she was somehow able to reignite interests and passions I used to have. I started feeling joy here and there again. And I gradually began to figure out who I was as this single person and discovered that, yes, I can do these things on my own. I still have days where I’m as confused about it all as in the beginning but overall I’m okay and at peace with who I am today. I’ve learned a lot about myself throughout this struggle. And there is a strength and courage I never knew I had.
So what did you sister do?
My sister loves everything pink and girly, pretty candles and beautiful decor. She encouraged me to decorate the house with cheerful pinks, flowers, etc and make it look exactly how I want it to be. She pointed out that this was really the first time for me to live on my own in my own place and that I could have it be exactly to my taste. Of course she was very supportive, never minimized my grief, and always listened when I needed to talk about my grief. But she also brought out some of my pre-marriage me, my personality and interests back then. She asked questions about what I like and made suggestions for home decor and also activities. I started adding cheerful pink, purple and floral home accessories and made my house all cozy and cute like hers. It made a big difference and really lifted my mood. Not that it took away my grief but it made it more bearable. She pointed out new opportunities and encouraged me to focus and take care of myself after having taken care of everyone else all my life.