Grief sucks. Big time. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just ignore our grief? Just push it aside, perhaps by keeping so busy that we don’t have time to deal with it? Tuck it away by focusing on everything and anything other than our pain and our emotions? I doubt we could ever completely shut it out—grief is simply too powerful—but it might be tempting to try to run from it. Grief hurts, it’s ugly and raw. The thing is, we cannot heal until we deal with all the emotions and thoughts, good and bad, that accompany our loss. We have to lean into our grief and pain in order to get better.
While I do recommend staying somewhat busy to give your mind a break from constantly thinking about your loss, you should also take time to grieve, reflect and acknowledge your emotions. I think you have to find a middle ground of sorts. Without “distractions” like work, chores, friends etc., my grief would have completely consumed me and I would have drowned in it’s powerful vortex. As much as I hated it, going to work probably saved me. It provided the social support that I needed and it gave me, to some extent anyway, a break from the nonstop torturous thoughts about the loss. It’s important, however, to also set time aside, in the evening perhaps, to really grieve and lean into the pain and emotions.
Our emotions are real, and ignoring them doesn’t make them any less real or go away. Cry if you feel like crying, be angry if you feel angry. Feel the pain, the heartache, but perhaps also some gladness and relief (especially if the loss resulted from long-term illness). Whatever you’re feeling is valid. Lean into and acknowledge your grief and its crazy jumble of emotions. Dig deep. Be honest. Brutally honest. Is there something you regret? Something your person did or didn’t do that you’re still mad about? Some issues in the relationship? Some resentment? Words left unsaid? Maybe things weren’t perfect after all? Wow, yes, I said it.
Negative Feelings About the Relationship or Person Are Completely Normal Too
I have to admit, it took me a while to address the fact that the relationship with my late husband hadn’t been all perfect, although it was pretty close to it. I couldn’t, or didn’t want to, address these lurking thoughts and feelings for many months. After losing someone, it’s not unusual to “forget” about any “bad” stuff. My husband had been the love of my life and we had a great marriage, but I wish some things had been different, especially in the last few years we had together.
Anger. Maybe we feel that we shouldn’t have anger towards a dead person. But it’s okay. All feelings are valid and should be acknowledged and explored, whether it’s sadness, anger, resentment, regret, hurt, guilt, loneliness, fear, frustration, relief or even happiness.
(More on happiness after loss here: Feeling Guilty About Being Happy & Permission to Feel Happy Again.
Explore and Express Your Grief
One good way to explore and express your grief is to keep a grief journal. I found this to be extremely helpful. Even if, like me, you’ve never kept a diary before, it’s such a valuable tool that can provide so much insight and healing. There’s something so cathartic about writing down your thoughts and feelings, even if it’s just a sentence or two every night.
I also highly recommend The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. It really helped me move forward in my grief journey.
Please also check out my other resources: Resources for Dealing With Grief
The only way out of the pain is through the pain.
David Kessler