I’ve really let myself go in the past six months or so. I’ve quit exercising, can’t get myself to do yoga or go for a walk. Yoga used to be my go-to for staying in shape and stress relief, especially in the wintertime. These days, the yoga mat collects dust in a corner. My eating habits have been atrocious too lately. My sugar addiction is in full force once again and I seriously need to break that habit. I’m starting to feel the effects of my unhealthy lifestyle and changes need to happen.
When I stepped on the scale yesterday, I shockingly discovered that I’ve gained a significant amount of weight in the past half year. In terms of numbers, it’s really not that bad, but I’ve started not feeling well, having stomach issues and other problems I know are a result of those extra pounds and unhealthy diet. I need to do better.
I don’t cook much anymore, it’s usually just myself, and cooking for one isn’t much fun. Unless I have someone over for dinner, I’ll fix something simple, like a salad and sandwich, which has been my go-to lately. I’ve been getting lots of lettuce and salad greens from my little garden, and it tastes so great freshly harvested. My eating habits during the day are actually pretty good, but my late-night snacking has gotten out of control. This is when I crave sugar the most, and I’ll mindlessly munch on chocolate and other sweet treats in the evenings. If it’s in the house, I can’t seem to resist the temptation these days.
I’m so lazy and can’t get myself motivated to do anything. The only thing I have energy and motivation for is my plants and my little garden. And I’m so excited that it’s planting time for summer crops now! Finally! This year I started lots of seedlings inside and I’ll be transplanting them in the next couple of days. I can’t wait to harvest fresh tomatoes, peppers, beans and cucumbers!
My garden and plants are my passion, but everything else seems so dull, boring and pointless. There are many things and chores I should be doing, but I often don’t see the point in it anymore. It’s like I lost the pride and enjoyment I used to get from these things. I also haven’t been out and about exploring and taking day trips like I used to. I just don’t seem to have the energy or interest most times.
Then there’s also my bad habit of staying up too late, even if I’m very tired. But I know why: I miss having someone next to me. And I think that leads me to the answer as to why I’ve let myself go so much these past months: Last September I had another breakup and failed relationship. I’ve not been the same since, I’ve not yet recovered, it seems. I’ve had other failed relationships and breakups since being widowed, but this one feels different. It’s like something inside me broke, and the hope of finding love and companionship is gone. But I’ll be okay. In fact, I’m still thinking about getting a dog (I wrote about the idea in my January blog post). Dogs make great companions.
I am a lot more newly widowed than you, but I do feel these things. I am almost to the year and half mark. I still wear my rings. I have no desire to date, though if someone came into my life that sparked interest, I wouldn’t object. But it is nothing that I want to actively pursue. I have really found more joy lately in getting to know myself. I realized that it was important for me to not feel uncomfortable with myself. To be uncomfortable with silence. So I have begun to embrace it. Some days I have companions (my parents, my kids, coworkers, friends) and some days its just me. I find both bring me joy now and I am not spending so much time “finding something to do” and staying “busy”. I hope you can see yourself as whole soon. It is not fun feeling broken.
Thank you so much for sharing and your kind words.
I’ve gone through the same periods as you, other than the relationship parts. I’m 22 months in and just starting to put myself out there. But the lack of motivation could be the thoughts that you are experiencing. We know that thoughts create feelings and feelings create actions or sometimes lack of actions. I just find the lack of bandwidth keeps me from accomplishing tasks. I’ve have committed to going to the gym every other day for the last eight months and have felt the good effects of it. You working with the garden is good and maybe lead to doing other things. We just need to take what we can and move forward. The fact that you have noticed what you have been doing is a good sign. Baby steps can lead to good outcomes.
Thank you, Keith.