~~Reflecting on Year One~~
First there was numbness, then the deep, raw crippling pain of grief, sadness and despair. But life doesn’t stop for you as you grieve. Eventually I had to go to work again. It was dreadful yet good for me at the same time. First of all, I needed the money. But I also think that the social interactions on the job, as excruciating as they were in the beginning, were beneficial to me. I’m convinced that, had I stayed home, the isolation would have amplified my grief and depression to a dangerous level.
So I went to work. I did what I needed to do, like a robot, just going through the motions, while begging my tears to wait until I was back home. Oftentimes I felt so removed from everything, like I was somewhere else. My body was there at work, but mentally I was with my husband. I was constantly thinking about him, every second of the day.
I made small talk, smiled, did my job. But it was all fake. Fake smile, fake cheerfulness, fake interest in anything. I got surprisingly good at pretending.
The real me was off in the world of grief. And all I wanted was to make it through the day somehow, and then the next day, and the next… And I think that’s about all you can do at first; breathe and take it one day at a time.
Thank you for your blog and sharing your journey. My world fell apart on 12/12/20 when my husband unexpectedly passed away due to Covid 19. Everything is out of control and depression is deep. His family walked away from offering any support the day he died which was like a double punch in the stomach. After 42 years together I’m so lost. Each minute is a chore and I’m trying to do this and I appreciate reading your insights and journey. God bless you.
Hi Valerie, I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry that his family abandoned you, especially now during this horrible and difficult time. Thank you for writing and letting me know that my blog is helpful. I wish nobody would ever have to go through this kind of heartache. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Sending you lots of hugs!