Lately I’ve been having issues with being alone at night. I don’t understand it. I was fine before. But these days, I feel alone and uncomfortable being by myself in my house at night.
It’s my boyfriend’s fault. I miss him when he’s not here. I miss having him around, next to me, being there with me.
More and more, I don’t like going to bed by myself. I like having someone lie next to me, someone to snuggle up to. Someone to protect me.
Protect me from what exactly, I ask myself. It’s a safe neighborhood. I wasn’t scared before. So why this sudden vulnerability without him?
I don’t like feeling needy and vulnerable. I’m not a needy person. I can take care of myself and I’m fine being alone. All these years, I’ve worked hard on getting to that point of self-reliance and independence.
I used to be very dependent on my husband, but years of widowed life have taught me how to manage on my own. In fact, I have come to enjoy my own company and the freedom to do whatever I want.
And this is why these recent feelings scare me. Don’t get me wrong, both me and my boyfriend are very independent, we do our own thing. And I think we both are a bit hesitant to move too fast (a mistake I’m guilty of making in a previous relationship). So when I catch myself longingly looking at the front door, waiting for him like a sad helpless little puppy, I get angry at myself. I don’t like that I “need” somebody. I’ve come too far and it feels like taking a step backwards. But maybe it’s simply a sign that this relationship, the trust, companionship and bond, is steadily growing stronger. And that thought fills me with hope.