Losing your spouse encompasses so much more than losing the person who was such a major part of your life. For most widowed people it’s certainly the worst and most painful part of it, but the reality is that it’s not the only heartache we have to deal with in the aftermath of death. Oftentimes financial and other issues ensue as well; and even though we’re advised to refrain from making any major decisions for at least a year after loss, a lot of us don’t have the luxury to wait this long to make changes.
Whether it is because of financial reasons or perhaps not being able to carry out necessary repairs or maintenance work, many of us are forced to move out of our home. And sometimes that has to happen ASAP. In addition, other assets may have to be sold in order to pay the bills. And maybe you have to find a job after being a long-time stay-at-home parent or after being retired. It’s a new, very brutal reality we have to deal with.
Like many others, I had to downsize and move to a smaller, more affordable house. In my case, money was the main reason, though not the only reason, for selling the house that had been our home for 10 years. I wouldn’t have been able to keep it long-term, although I could have potentially waited about a year or so before selling. But it was way too big, especially since the kids had already moved out, and it was too far out in the country and isolated. Very isolated—and that magnified my loneliness. Not only that, it just didn’t feel right anymore. Too many memories, too painful. I made the decision to sell and move only a few months post-loss. I had read about not making decisions for at least a year but while that’s really good advice, in this case, waiting wasn’t right for me.
I began sorting through things and gave away and sold many items I no longer needed. That summer, I bought a new place that was less than half the size of the old house. I downsized drastically. And yes, it hurt to get rid of so many things but, on the other hand, it simplified my life and I feel more “free” without all the clutter.
Going through my husband’s belongings like clothes, books, vinyl records, etc., was extremely difficult in a way but I knew soon after the loss that I didn’t want to keep much of it. Again, this is a decision you’re advised not to make too soon because you might regret getting rid of certain items later on, but here too, waiting longer wasn’t right for me. I had seen my dad hold on to all of my mom’s things after she passed, not allowing for any of it to be moved even an inch, even years after her death. I didn’t want to be like that. And it hurt too much to have to look at my husband’s personal belongings all the time. I didn’t need that constant painful reminder. Not that there was ever a minute I didn’t think about him anyway…
So I donated most of his things and it brought me some comfort knowing that somebody would be able to use them. There were several really nice suits and other quality items, and it would have hurt much more to just have them sit unused in a closet. I selected some things to keep as mementos. I still have these items and treasure them. But they stay in a box most of the time. Because this is a new life now. My new life without him. I have to move forward and make this life mine. I cannot cling to the past. I can treasure and honor it but I must find my own way.
As for other major decisions, I did wait at least a year and I’m glad that I heeded that advice. And I want to stress again that refraining from making any major decisions for at least a year post-loss is really good advice. Losing your spouse is so traumatic. It’s difficult to know what to do next and easy to make a decision you’ll regret later on. But ultimately, you have to decide what’s best for you, regardless of any recommended timeline or advice. Because there’s no one-size-fits-all manual for coping with grief and loss.