Learning To Be Solo

Losing your spouse changes your life in so many ways. The grief and pain are so horrific, it’s unimaginable and incomprehensible unless you’ve experienced it yourself. It’s hell, I can’t describe it any other way. And then, when you finally feel a bit better and want to start living life again—boom—you realize that you have no one to do things with. You’re alone. Solo.

It’s almost ironic. You’re finally at the point where you actually want to leave the house and go do something. But your spouse, the one who’s always been at your side, always accompanied you, is gone. Now what?

Having family and friends around to spend time with certainly helps. But they might not always be available. It was really hard for me to get used to going anywhere by myself. I was too afraid to venture out beyond my usual routine outings and activities. And I felt so awkward strolling through downtown, walking through the park, or going on little road trips by myself. I always felt that people were staring at me and wondering why I’m all alone. And it made me miss him so much more.

Going Solo and It’s Okay

But this was my new reality and I had to get used to it. To make matters worse, I have absolutely no sense of direction. I get lost so easily. My husband was the one who always drove when we went to explore the area or went on trips. So for me to get into the car and drive to an unfamiliar place was terrifying. Thank God for technology. Having my cell phone and navigation made it possible for me to actually go explore new destinations by myself without being too worried. I also subscribed to roadside assistance just in case something went wrong with the car. (I had relied on my husband for so many things, just as he had relied on me for certain tasks and responsibilities.) So I started venturing out more, got more confident. And it was okay. I was okay.

What helped me was having these safety nets of cell phone, navigation and roadside assistance. And I began to work on experiencing and enjoying these outings consciously and with all my senses. Moving away from constantly thinking about what other people might think or whether they were staring and talking about “that poor lonely woman.” I focused on me and the experience. I started holding my head up high, “Yes, I can do this by myself!”

As horrible as this may sound, it can actually be quite nice to be able to do whatever you want, without having to take someone else’s preferences into consideration. Yes, of course I’d much rather have my husband back and compromise on some things. But getting him back is not an option. So I might as well enjoy this freedom to do whatever I want. Reminding myself of this “advantage” has helped me push myself to live life again instead of just staying home doing nothing all the time.

Being Alone and Doing My Own Thing Has Really Grown on Me

I have even gone on little mini vacations, all alone, and I had a good time. In fact, being alone and doing my own thing has really grown on me. Life goes on and we have no choice but to adjust to our new realities. It’s not easy though, that’s for sure.

One thing that’s still a bit awkward is eating out at a restaurant all by myself. Gotta work on that one. Perhaps one day I’ll get there too.

Don’t be scared to walk alone. Don’t be scared to like it.

John Mayer