When I think back to the first couple of years after my husband’s death, I ask myself, “How did I ever make it through that?” Now, nearly ten years later, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. I’m actually okay most of the time these days. I am immensely grateful to my kids, family, friends and fellow grievers, particularly those on Widowed Village, who helped me through my worst days of grief. Once in a while, I like to dig out my old grief journal and reread my entries. I would like to share some of those with you (Warning: some of them are very “dark”). Perhaps you’re going through something similar right now and I want you to know that it will get better, I promise. Please remember: Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. One step/minute/hour/day at a time. Things will slowly get better.
Random Excerpts From My Grief Diary
Wed., December 28, 2011: It’s been nearly 2 weeks since Roger passed away. Every day seems to be getting more difficult and I miss him more and more. I’m trying to take care of all the things I have to do now: insurance, 401K, car titles, etc. and I wish he was here to tell me what to do. It is all very overwhelming. Went to the cemetery again today. I’ll be glad when there will be a proper marker and granite base and vase. Right now, he only has a flag, our little Christmas silk flower arrangement and the last spray of somewhat wilted flowers from the funeral on his grave. Very sad. Doesn’t seem proper to me.
Thurs., December 29, 2011: Didn’t get much done today again. I’m horribly unproductive these days. The forms from…came today. I filled them out and will mail them tomorrow. I don’t like myself much right now, I feel that I’m just living off his hard-earned money… Also am worried about all the bills and about running out of money… Life is empty without Roger. I miss him.
Tue., January 3, 2012: Things are getting more and more difficult every day. I just want to have it all taken care of, but don’t ever seem to get anything accomplished. Well, got all his credit cards (except for bank card) cancelled. Trying to figure out what to do about the IRA, to roll it over into my name…Don’t know how to handle these things.
Fri., January 6, 2012: It’s been a little better today, but not great either. I might be getting depressed more and more. Things don’t seem to be moving forward and if I don’t get insurance money soon, I’ll be broke. It’s time to put more effort into figuring out what I want to do.
Sat., January 7, 2012: Roger, I miss you so much.
Sun., January 8, 2012: Another day and hardly anything accomplished. I hope tomorrow I can get a lot of things taken care of.
Thurs., January 12, 2012: It’s been 4 weeks now. I’ve been working on my resume. I’m scared of having to find work. I haven’t had a job interview since 1988!
Sun., January 15, 2012: It’s been 1 month now. I’m so lonely and scared and miss him so much.
Mon., February 6, 2012: It’s not getting any easier; on the contrary, I miss him so much. It’s lonely.
Tue., February 14, 2012: The job search is getting pretty frustrating. I’m beginning to think that I’m not qualified for anything. I miss Roger more and more. It’s very lonely here. And sorting through all of his things hurts so badly. I feel that life has lost it’s purpose now that he’s no longer with me. If it wasn’t for the kids, I don’t know what I would do.
Mon., February 20, 2012: Last week and weekend was very difficult and sad for me. It was as if all the grief wanted to come out. I sobbed so hard and loudly at night, it’s good I don’t have really close neighbors. The pain was so bad and I felt as if my soul was being ripped apart. The last 2 days have been much better. I miss Roger so much. I tell God every night to tell Roger that I miss him and love him and to please take really good care of him up there in heaven.
Wed., February 22, 2012: Nothing but emptiness and pain. Deep, raw pain, pain that rips your soul apart. Rips you open, vulnerable, like a deep gashing wound. Sorrow and pain tears you apart, shatters your heart into pieces, an unmendable heap of broken dreams.
Sun., February 26, 2012: M. was here for the weekend. It was nice to have her around. Lonely again now. I miss him so so much.
Mon., February 27, 2012: …told me they’re still having trouble with the insurance… I hope they get it straightened out soon. Oh how I miss my husband. My life is empty and useless without him. There is no purpose to anything anymore, just loneliness and sadness.
Tues., February 28, 2012: Another unproductive day. No new jobs to apply to. Didn’t get anything accomplished. All I want to do these days is eat and lie in bed. I still have a lot of things to go through and sort out in the house, but just can’t get myself to do it. Maybe tomorrow… I need to make some money soon, need a job! I miss Roger, I’m pretty useless without him.
Wed., February 29, 2012: I’m starting to feel more and more useless. I hope I find a job soon. I wish I could have my old job back: taking care of Roger. I miss him so much. Life is empty now. Tomorrow I will call…to sign up for their bereavement group.
Fri., March 2, 2012: I sold Roger’s car today to CarMax. They only gave me $…for it. I was hoping for more… M. picked me up and then we went to Old Time Pottery where we bought an angel for the grave… I had to pull myself together today at CarMax to not cry. Selling the car was really hard emotionally and I had a hard time keeping it together. On a positive note, I got a phone call today about a job interview on Wednesday morning. Maybe I’ll get a job soon.
Thurs., March 8, 2012: I went to the 1st bereavement group meeting today. It was OK. Next time will be difficult because we will each have to share our loved one’s story. H. called today, which was nice of her. I’m tired and sad and I want my husband back.
Mon., March 12, 2012: Had a dentist appointment today… Didn’t get much accomplished otherwise. I took some pictures at the cemetery and sent them to N. by email. I miss Roger very much and often think, “What am I doing here alone in this big house?” It just doesn’t seem right anymore. I think a little condo might be nice. I don’t know, this huge house seems to swallow me up and I just don’t want to stay here anymore (couldn’t afford it anyway).
Tue., March 13, 2012: Did some yardwork again today, a bit of cleaning but not much else. The day was OK but lonely. This house is too big and lonely.
Mon., March 19, 2012: Cleaned the screened porch today but didn’t get done. I feel that I have to move out of this house soon. I loved the house back then but so much has changed. It’s way too big and it’s lonely here. I miss my husband.
Thurs., March 22, 2012: Third bereavement group meeting today. It was helpful but it’s all still so difficult.
Sat., March 31, 2012: Today was an extremely difficult day. Very sad and very lonely. Everything just got to me somehow. I miss Roger and I wanted to join him in heaven today but I can’t. Living alone is awful. I wish I could have my old life back, my Roger back.
Sun., Apr. 8, 2012: Easter Sunday. M. was here this weekend. It was nice to have her around. Now I’m all alone again.
Wed., Apr. 11, 2012: My mood seems to change quickly these days from OK/even somewhat cheerful to total sadness and depression. I’m also very tired.
Sun., Apr. 15, 2012: It’s been 4 months. The deep, raw pain has given way to emptiness, sadness, loneliness, and depression. There is still pain but it is different now, and always laced with the horrible emptiness. There is a terrifying void in my life. I often feel like I should go somewhere but I don’t know where to go. Nothing is pointing me in the right directions and I’m lost.
Mon., Apr. 16, 2012: I don’t know what I’m doing.
Thurs. Apr. 19, 2012: Work was ok. It’s a stark contrast between the “cheerfulness” at work and the sadness, loneliness and almost depression at home. Wish I could have my old life back and, most of all, my dear husband back.
Tue., Apr. 24, 2012: Went to Greenville… Driving through the city brought back all the memories of what Roger had to endure and where we went and what we did. Hospital stays, transfusions etc. I went to Barnes & Noble to buy the Grief Recovery Handbook with a gift card Roger had left. Again, all those memories came back. It was a sad, sad day.
Thurs., Apr. 26, 2012: Went through a bunch of stuff today… It seems like my trips to the trash dump are never ending. How did we accumulate so much stuff? I started reading the Grief Recovery Handbook. I have a long hard journey ahead of me. Right now I’m sad, confused, frustrated, scared, slightly angry, tired and I just don’t know what my life will be like. It’s an emotional rollercoaster for sure.
Sat., June 16, 2012: Went to the memorial service at the hospice house with M. today. The tears and snot flowed like crazy. It was a very difficult day.
July 25, 2012: I miss Roger. Whenever I see a couple together, it makes me very sad because I’ll never have that again. We were supposed to grow old together…and now I’m all alone. I wish I could have Roger back.
Sat., Nov. 24, 2012: Two days after Thanksgiving. It was the first Thanksgiving without Roger. Both kids were here and it was nice. Now that it’s all over and S. is back in Georgia, the sadness is coming back full force. The awareness of having just made it through the first Thanksgiving without Roger is bringing out a storm of emotions. Sadness and despair, yet at the same time a slight sense of accomplishment that we made it through almost one year and we’re okay, sort of anyway. Tonight I could just cry and cry… I miss my husband and nothing will ever be the way it used to be.
Wed., Dec. 5, 2012: I’ve been feeling good, sometimes even great, the last few days. I’ve made preparations for Christmas and I’m looking forward to having my kids here with me. I am enjoying life most of the time now, and I am thankful for all I have. And I love my new little townhouse.
Sat., Dec. 15, 2012: It has been a year since my beloved husband has passed away. Today was a difficult day, but I made it through it. M. and I went to the cemetery and placed three red roses on the grave. I also placed a ceramic heart with “FOREVER IN MY HEART” written on it. We stayed there for a while. Some of the initial numbness came over me again and the thoughts, “How can this be? Is this for real? Please, someone, wake me up from this nightmare!” Even a year later, it is still very hard to accept the reality, the reality that the love of my life is gone—forever.
Gone, but not forgotten.
Roger, I will always love you.
Dec. 15, 2013: The second “sadiversary.” It has been two years since I lost the love of my life. Sometimes it seems so long ago, other times like yesterday. While the pain is not as raw and brutal as in the beginning, it still comes in waves, often when I least expect it. I miss you, Roger, and I will always love you.
Hang in there, my friends. The darkness will slowly fade…
Daisy