The following is a blog post I wrote on Widowed Village back in 2013. Their website has recently been redesigned and it’s no longer available there. I thought I’d share it here. This is an issue I think many of us are struggling with as we slowly heal from our grief. But we have to remind ourselves that, whether we like it or not, our lives go on and the special person we lost would want us to enjoy life again. After all, if it had been the other way around, we would have wanted them to be happy again too at some point, right?
Semi-Happiness and Guilt (Written in 2013)
I am at a stage in my grief now where I am no longer sad all the time. In fact, most of my days are pretty good. Sure, there are moments when the sadness and pain suddenly return with a vengeance, moments usually triggered by seemingly small and insignificant things. But all in all, life is pretty good right now. I’m actually having fun living again and enjoying the little things in life. I guess you could say I’m fairly happy these days. Happy, or happiness, isn’t the right word though. I call it “semi-happiness.” I’m just trying to live my life the best I can now. My husband is gone and nothing will ever bring him back to me. That’s the cold, hard reality. And he would want me to enjoy life again.
So why do I feel so darn guilty all the time? Guilty about laughing, having fun, being cheerful, etc. Guilty about buying pretty things for the new house or for myself (nothing big or wasteful). After my husband’s death, I had to downsize to a much smaller house and I’ve been accessorizing the new place with some cheerful purple and pink color and other “girly” things. Maybe it’s part of the “new me”—I don’t know, I just know that the colors cheer me up. I’m not trying to erase him and all we had together, but this is the first time that I can decorate my house in whatever way I like.
There are other newfound freedoms as well, such as cooking only when I want to, watching whatever I like on TV, etc. A lot of times, I feel like my life is too good now, I should be more miserable and I shouldn’t enjoy these newfound freedoms. I feel guilty about that all the time. I’m a widow after all, should I even be “semi-happy”? Of course, I know I’m doing the right thing and my husband would want me to move on, but this awful feeling of guilt keeps gnawing at me…
I joined Widowed Village back when Donna first passed away. A bartender friend shared that with me. His sister started it. WV was and remains a place for me to return to to share and support others.
I agree with you completely about guilt. My guilt about enjoying a life even in pandemic feels like an insult to Donna. I feel as I do not deserve to have this life we built together. To see myself becoming more of the being Donna loved me into. It is unfair. Add to that we were savers and here I am having access to what WE saved. I feel shame and guilt.
Many have said Donna would want xyz for you. Perhaps but I want her to see and know what I’m trying to become.
Hi Mark, thanks for your comment. My husband and I were also savers, and he was the main breadwinner. Especially in the beginning, I felt tremendous guilt about spending “his” money he had worked so hard for. I felt so useless and undeserving.
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