I haven’t written in a while. December is always a tough month for me. Between our wedding anniversary on the 2nd, the anniversary of his death on the 15th, and then the Christmas craziness, it’s really a month I would rather skip altogether.
We would have been married for 31 years. He’s been gone for nine years now. Nine years! Wow. Sometimes it still feels like it all happened yesterday. And sometimes it feels so long ago, so far away, in a different life. Just a faint memory of what used to be.
Grief Is Weird and Unpredictable
The anniversary of his death on December 15 was odd in a way. I was sad but not horribly sad. I went to the cemetery and stayed for a while, cleaning the grave and talking to him, telling him about what’s going on in my life, and telling him that I love him and miss him. I felt a bit guilty because I didn’t even cry any tears that day. Honestly, I was more sad on the day of our wedding anniversary. Somehow this time around, that date was the more difficult one of the two. I don’t know why. Grief is weird and unpredictable.
Christmas was nice although it’s never really been the same since I lost my husband. There’s always that sense that something, or rather someone, is missing. But it’s okay, we do the best we can. We have new traditions and do a lot of things in a more unconventional way. Perhaps that’s the only way we can deal with the holidays and the cloud of memories of how things used to be.
All in all, this past year has been tough in many ways. But at the same time, I realize how fortunate I still am and I’m truly thankful for all I have. I am hopeful that 2021 will be a much gentler year for all of us. May the New Year be filled with strength, hope, light and healing.